Posted at May 25, 2020

Exhaustion/Grueling (excerpt writing)


…the ceiling fan revolves slowly, like a crashing helicopter…my eyes are dry, giving it a dead stare…my body is tangled up with the sheets, as it’s pressed up against me…i feel my pulse, hearing my heart thump through my ears…each beat i feel my sweat straining against the sheets…feel a bit of cool air through the vent in my chamber, my thoughts are running for miles in my mind…so much anger, frustration, hope…and everything in between from my moods, to how i subliminally feel are playing with each other…i am receiving a slight headache…silence, throughout the home that isn’t mine…to where i feel like everyday is another day of “living here”…having constant thoughts that i don’t belong, wanting to get away…unfortunately, i am, stuck for moment, not knowing how much longer it will be…no need to partake in the blame game, for it is now done…still, i think of how i can turn it around, maybe…but turning on the television will only depress me so…flipping through reality shows which are really not “reality”, cartoons that won’t make me climb back into my childhood, news that doesn’t deliver such “good news”, even movies that doesn’t seem real with its happily ever afters or a questioning ending in preparation for a sequel…so i lay in here, in silence, the only thing that comforts me so…can’t reach to my phone, which is filled with numbers of those who don’t even call, or rarely call…text messages…vibration sounding off…who is it…i don’t give a shit…a call erupts…mother dearest…something for me to do…stuck…but, i have to get up and continue the day, the week, the month, this year, this life that’s mine…mentally i am already up and moving forward, physically i am trapped in my sheets that now feel like a pool, because of all this…exhaustion, because indeed i am, exhausted…


give me back what i had
that was left; robbing me
of my energetic heart, thief;
you have completely drained
me, down to my soul, feel the
fire igniting, burning to the pit
of my belly, as it burst through
up to my cries, how dare you;
pulling all of me down to your
eggshells, that are completely
broken, yet piercing through
my heels as i walk; don’t have
enough strength to fight my
own battles, it sickens me so;
now feeling the tiresome side
of me, and i embrace it so;
this is all too much, to me, and it’s
all so backwards, to me;
can’t even stand alone, because
i have been trapped in the dark
for so long, don’t know how to act;
been giving so much, and now
running on empty, even pouring
so much more to the edge;
and now, i am so burnt out, feel
the dryness of my skin; and yet they
still calling me, calling me out; my
insides crawl to the screeching and hollering,
the echoes of my name stressed,
it sickens me so, this is all too much, to me,
and it’s all so fucking backwards, to me;
they got me cringing, got me running;
and yet i’m still giving, keep on giving,
never getting; while feeding on such cruel games;
can’t get a piece of mind, because my
eternal flames are sizzling softly, always on the go;
it’s like they hold a pot of grueling, boiling
until i am done and no more…
it’s like they hold a pot of grueling, boiling
until i am done and no more…
it’s like they hold a pot of grueling, boiling
until i am done and no more…


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